In the late 80s and early 90s they were not an uncommon site along the freeways leaving downtown Los Angeles; huge condo projects festooned with banners that read “If you lived here you’d be home now.” When the topic was brought up at a meeting, what are you doing today for your recovery, it’s what I immediately thought of. In the rooms we usually hear the same sentiment described as, “I live in the rooms and visit the world.”
I’m an egomaniac. I like my way better.
It’s the same, though. I’m learning how to ‘be’ in the world because of the program. Living an effective, principled life has been a process related to taking the 12 steps.
The Buddha said, “You cannot travel the path before you have become the path itself.” That quote has always fascinated me, probably because I had no idea what it meant. I’m coming to understand that, at least in recovery, I cannot practice principles before I am principled. I cannot exercise faith before I become faithful. I cannot demonstrate brotherly love before I love my brother. I cannot have courage before I become courageous.
I am (slowly) becoming the path inside the rooms and am able to put the principles into practice in the outside world. I live in recovery. I practice my recovery in the world.
In all honesty, I’ve been doing a damn poor job of it lately. I was contemplating that last night. I can trace it back to my feelings about the religious people pushing their agenda at meetings and having a couple of sponsees cease doing the work. I lost some hope then. My faith was shaken then. The path of willingness became overgrown. And consequently I have become prey to the symptoms of my addiction that are the third layer of the disease.
The first 2 layers are physical and mental, the physical allergy and the obsession of the mind. The third layer, the “spiritual malady”, includes:
- being restless, irritable, and discontented
- having trouble with relationships
- not being able to control my emotional nature
- suffering from depression
- not being able to make a living
- feeling useless
- being fearful
- being unhappy
- leading a double life
to name just a few.
Throwing myself back into the program seems to be indicated and yet I seem to lack the strength to do it at the moment. I haven’t walked away from the program. I still have a record of uninterrupted meeting attendance since I got out of treatment, yet I’m not engaged the way I once was, and that makes me afraid.
I wonder how much worse I need my life to become before I become willing to throw myself back in to the work. I wonder what it will take. I hope my tolerance for pain has been reduced enough that I don’t go out before I come back.
If I lived there I’d be home now.
Tags: 10th Step, 11th Step, 12th step, allergy, Bedevilments, depression, Los Angeles, Relapse, Service, Spirituality, uncommon site, Willingness
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well said, thank you.
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Yes, I get discouraged when the meetings turn into religious rantings. But I remember that the meetings have saved me too. There was a time when I thought I would never be able to live in the “real” world but that has passed and I can thank AA for bringing me back to that point. I try to keep my program real simple and keep a sense of humor.
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“I’m coming to understand that, at least in recovery, I cannot practice principles before I am principled.”
The spiritual “waking up” I’ve experienced the past few months has driven home exactly this point. The main realization I have had goes something like this:
“If you in the very slightest have required the world to possess the virtue you seek before you feel compelled to possess it as well, then you never will possess it.”
Which is another way of saying that there is no substitute for doing the hard work regardless of whether a single other person in the universe is doing it as well.
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“I cannot practice principles before I am principled. I cannot exercise faith before I become faithful. I cannot demonstrate brotherly love before I love my brother. I cannot have courage before I become courageous.” I have to disagree. Whatever happened to “fake it till you make it,” and “You can’t think your way into right acting, you have to act your way into right thinking?” I know many times I haven’t felt the brotherly love, but that did not stop me from acting lovingly to my brother, and I often pray with my fundamental agnosticism intact. That, for me, is what makes faith so powerful, that I practice it within and accompanied by all my doubts.
I think the Buddha quote speaks to the idea that the path is what you do, not what you think; God is in the journey, not the destination. It sounds to me as you’re doing a little self-bashing because you think you should be “feeling it” as well as “doing it.” This alignment ebbs and flows, you’re allowed to be a doubting, judgy bitch on the inside all you want. That too shall pass. -
The signs now reads: “If you lived here, you’d be homeless.” No kidding, it’s an add for an advocacy organization.
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hey chris- i’ve found out that it’s okay to do things that i’m not feeling totally good about. after all, for years, i kept getting loaded even though i didn’t want to. i go to work sometimes when i feel like playing hooky. i eat sometimes when i really don’t feel hungry, because i know i need the nourishment.
the book does specifically call for service work in times just like this. the concern for the echoes in our heads goes away when we are focused on the service to another.
and what if this “not feeling it” thing is actually serenity? or a part of it? what if there is no drama and we need to make some up?
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