I don’t get to see my sister often; usually at family events with our dad. She lives in Alaska with her daughter and husband. She has maintained a close relationship with our dad over the years, and I have only recently restored that relationship. Stephanie and I, the two oldest of four siblings, most closely resemble each other in many ways. Part of that is the fact that we are close in age and have experienced great hardship at close developmental stages. In many ways we are only separated by differences in personality and gender.
Stephanie actually went to treatment before I did. While I went to the Walker Center, a facility that specializes only in addiction and alcoholism, Stephanie went to Sierra Tucson, which offers more comprehensive treatment for a variety of disorders. Though she went believing she was going for treatment for addiction, she was quickly transferred to the trauma program.
As difficult as the decision was for her to make, at the suggestion of the treatment team and after carefully evaluating the available information, my sister cut all ties with my mother. After I got out of treatment, and for similar reasons, I did the same. Stephanie realized long before I did that our mother is not only an alcoholic but also a sociopath. Or psychopath.
It is difficult to tell which it is due to the gigantic overlap in definition; even more difficult because alcoholism and Antisocial Personality Disorder as it is called now in the DSM-IV in the attempt to rely only on ‘objective’ diagnostic criteria, are co-morbid. In the 1830’s this disorder was called “moral insanity,” which is probably a more accurate description. Without solving the alcohol problem it is virtually impossible to determine which is the primary disease.
Even though Stephanie is in town she will not be visiting mom. Actually, mom is in Salt Lake at the moment, helping my other sister, Amber, pack for her move to Iowa City in a few days. Stephanie will go down to Utah to help with the drive to Iowa as soon as mom is headed back to Idaho. I’m relieved that they won’t see each other at all.
It was great to be able to spend some time with her and my niece. It is difficult, though, to know how she struggles to learn to be a good mom without ever having had one. I know something about growing up without a relationship with my same sex parent. I can’t imagine how painful it would be to know that there was virtually no possibility of ever having that relationship and to also know that it wasn’t my fault.
The most unsettling part for me was learning that there is a significant genetic component to the disorder and seeing how many of they symptoms I have; fewer than my mom, of course, but they are still there. I sat down with my sponsor yesterday and discussed it. I hope he’s right. I hope the symptoms I have are attributable to my addiction. Either way, I have a whole new set of character defects to be watchful for.
It’s good to be sober. I’m grateful to have a solution for that problem. Gives me some hope of correcting the other.
Tags: Alaska, alcoholism, Amber, Antisocial Personality Disorder, family, Honesty, Idaho, Iowa, Iowa City, moral insanity, moral inventory, powerlessness, relationships, Salt Lake, Sierra Tucson, treatment for a variety of disorders, Utah, Walker Center
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June 26, 2008 at 3:44 am
bobbie
as a daughter and a mother i too am wondering about genetics and my family tree. i see in my 12 year old so many of the broken parts of myself. those things that i consider character defects. it’s excruciating to watch them walk outside of me now too. my mother was very ill, so much of her story and personality was clouded by chronic pain and illness. she died at 44 (i’m now 42…) so many times i don’t know what was her and what was her addiction or illness, but by the end she bordered on deep mental illness.
looking back at my grandmother, her mother, i see so much of the same and it makes me so afraid sometimes. for myself, and for my kids. i know that i work the program for myself, but i am constantly reminded by their smiles that i am also investing in the future.
not having good models has been difficult, but negative learning can also teach me many things and i have tried to surround myself with healthy families that re-parent me in some places of my life so that i can pass that on to my kids. i still regularly grieve what has been lost though.
ps - i just saw the teeny tiny smiley face at the bottom of your blog and it made my day!
June 26, 2008 at 7:39 am
warrior scout
very thoughtful post- thank you. i am learning (trial by fire) that i am not as well-equipped to handle life on life’s terms as i’d like. but that’s just like so much else in my life. i am where i am and that must be where i need to be. i have to have faith that things are working out. i just don’t understand it yet. help is on the way.
June 26, 2008 at 7:50 am
Java
Wow, what a mess. How sad to not have an effective mother. How sad to not BE an effective mother. I struggle with that daily. I think BECAUSE I struggle, that probably makes me better at the job. If I didn’t try, I wouldn’t care. Or if I didn’t care, I wouldn’t try.
Glad you realize this about you and your mother. I’m sure, though it is difficult, it will help.
Moral insanity… that’s a very descriptive term.
June 26, 2008 at 8:06 am
Raj
It may well be that your mother has caused harm to you and your other sibblings, but she’s your mother at the end of the day, I hope you and your sister realize deep within that it wasn’t her fault really, she was controlled by her own disorder, just as you forgive yoiursself for being controlled by the disease of addiction
June 26, 2008 at 9:31 am
Chris
Thanks guys. I need to call my sister and tell her to read these comments.
June 26, 2008 at 3:14 pm
Marc
I watched my father die of alcoholism I clearly inherited–one genetic “gift” arrested through the gift of recovery. Now I’m watching Alzheimer’s subvert my Mom…did I dodge that bullet? Time will tell.
I’m glad you’re taking care of your sanity before you contemplate dealing with your mother’s lack thereof.
June 27, 2008 at 9:13 pm
Steve Rebooted
It’s difficult when there is an ill and toxic family member, especially a parent. But, I’m glad you have an ally in your sister. For in many families, it’s often only one child who sees ‘the big picture.’ I’m glad you got to spend some time with your Sis. My Father fit the description of your Mother. It took me 30 years to figure that out. But when I did, the only way I was able to deal with him, was to completely pity him. For he was truly worthy of it.
June 28, 2008 at 1:57 pm
Irish Friend of Bill
I saw this article about a film about a !! VERY ! crazy mom and I thought it looked good. thought you might find it interesting. ?
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1030028/Fatal-Seduction-How-society-millionairess-seduced-son-cure-gay–paid-life.html
Fatal Seduction: How a society millionairess seduced her own son to ‘cure’ him of being gay… and paid with her life
http://www.watch-movies.net/movies/savage_grace/
(Watch on firefox)
Hvaent seen it but judging by the article i read it looks good..
personally I love stuff about messed up families, but thats just me.. (!)
..have a nice weekend!
June 29, 2008 at 11:33 am
Chris
Wow. Irish. That film was really, really disturbing. I went a little further and looked up that family on Wikipedia. OMG. The level of enmeshment between mother and son closely mirrors the relationship I have with my mother. Yikes!
The only other movie I’ve seen recently that a character reminded me so much of mom was “There Will be Blood”. If you take my mom and turn her into a man and put her in the early days of the oil industry -that’s what you get. “I drink your milkshake!” LMAO
Thank you Marc and Steve. I’m at the place of pity for her, Steve. I’m just not completely free of anger, yet. Happy Birthday, handsome.