We always talk about recovery as being a program of paradox. I had never really thought about it before today but I think that addiction is paradox, too. For 23 years after my first introduction to the solution I persevered in my effort to exhaust every possibility I could think of to control and enjoy my drinking and drug use. I must be some kind of genius to have that many ideas. I absolutely would not give up on that, in part because I could control my use or I could enjoy my use. I just couldn’t seem to navigate that ‘and’.
In every other area of my life, though, I exhibited an extraordinary lack of tolerance for frustration. I would give up at the drop of a hat. Perhaps the only skill I had that surpassed my ability to give up was my ability to never start.
Like so many other character defects, perseverance and acceptance are God given abilities that in active addiction have simply gone astray. Figuring out how to apply them is the trick. So when I was struck last week by a perfect storm of inconvenience, kept running into walls that prevented me from achieving my desired outcome, I began to wonder if it was simply something I would have to accept or if it was something I needed to persevere with.
Without going into any detail of the horrifying week long ordeal, I am happy to be back writing again and I’m happy to be over yet another upper resp. infection. I almost just gave up. It was that frustrating.
Perhaps the only thing I’ve had going for me is working daily with my new sponsor. Not that I’ve dumped theold one, mind you. I’m just starting over with someone new. By going over the first step again in the way that we’ve been doing it I’ve been able to see the meaning of powerless more clearly; that at any given time and about any given thing I am unable to produce the desired effect. I need in all situations to place my trust and reliance on a power greater than myself. And when I can’t tell if I’m being shown that I need to persevere or accept, I persevere.
Tags: Acceptance, Frustration
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June 21, 2008 at 4:31 pm
Stephanie
Glad to see you’re back! And proud of you for not giving up, whatever it was. Will you be available for a late lunch, early dinner Mon.?
June 21, 2008 at 5:11 pm
Java
So does this mean your computer issues are fixed now? It’s good to see you posting again.
Congratulations, starting anew with a new sponsor. Glad that’s helping. I hope your depression demons are somewhat more under control than they were.
June 21, 2008 at 5:21 pm
Wayward Son
My ability to get drugs was the last thing to go in my life. I didn’t really stop until I could not get them anymore and the actual decision to quit as opposed to stop came a little later on (about a month). I only mention this because at the time I was cognizant of the fact that I was incredibly focused and very successful in that focus. However, the utterly rational concept that my excellent focus was only making me more and more miserable was not a connection I could make at the time. That came later and very, very slowly.
After reading your post and thinking about that I am left pondering the value of perseverance. Does it take me too far out of the moment or enable me to find it?
Though I knew not that you were sick i am glad to hear you are better. How’s that kitty?
WS
June 21, 2008 at 5:21 pm
Chris
Late lunch, early dinner is great! Love you Steph. And thank you Java. Much better. Much, much better.
June 21, 2008 at 10:24 pm
BoyGrowsUp
I’ve been battling upper resp. virus for a couple weeks now, as have most of my colleagues at work. So I know how it can get you down. It’s difficult to have a positive mental framework when you just don’t feel well. I hope life will take a more pleasant turn for you soon.
June 22, 2008 at 5:05 am
pea
i had no idea you were sick on top of everything else…a random text message, perhaps? i have it on good authority that i am part of the “inner circle,” and have given the width and breadth of space that i feel necessary, but am feeling a great deal of withdrawal pains.
glad you have rebuilt the machine, glad you are feeling better, and mainly, am glad you did not give up. thank God.
June 26, 2008 at 3:02 pm
Marc
So what would “giving up” look like? It’s sort of a rhetorical question, of course, but I always think it’s helpful to realize that even if we decided to give up, it usually wouldn’t make much difference. Eventually, we get up to pee, to get that drink of water, or because we’re hungry or we just have to know what’s going on in the world.
In your case, I know you won’t turn your back on another alcoholic. In there, I believe, you have found your greatest resilience.