Flippin’ Idiot

“[K]nowledge of truth alone does not suffice; on the contrary this knowledge must continually be renewed by ceaseless effort, if it is not to be lost.”
-Albert Einstein

They say the road gets narrower, and do you know what? The flippin’ road gets narrower. Aside from the legal issue, there have been things going on in my world that have occupied my attention in the last weeks; things that we learn how to handle by using certain tools in recovery. Using those tools and applying the principles of the program really is relatively simple. Not easy. But simple. When the issues are big, like learning to not pick up and not drink or facing an overwhelming obstacle, it has been relatively easy for me to immediately pick up the tools and use them. But throw me into a meadow of ordinary living and remove the imperative to make ceaseless effort and it doesn’t take long for me to start feeling like a “decroded piece of crap.”

Forgive the tangent, but I’m pretty sure that most of you don’t realize that those of us who grew up in the Intermountain West actually say things like ‘decroded’. We do. It’s true. And Preston, Idaho? The place where Napoleon Dynamite is from? That’s where my family is from, too. In fact my grandfather and great grandfather both graduated from that same high school. My relatives occupy more real estate in the Preston cemetery than any other family. That movie could have been  a documentary as easily as a comedy. It was an LDS version of Gray Gardens. And you know what that means - Napoleon Dynamite should become a Broadway musical!

It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do. Alcoholics Anonymous, page 85

There has just been a cumulative effect of many little things piling up on me recently, coupled with uneven or absent application of effort to ‘expand and enlarge’ my relationship with my Higher Power. I haven’t let up entirely, of course. Dropping everything instantly would require a force of will that I just don’t have. You have to work to fail utterly, but it doesn’t take any effort at all to let one thing slip. And then another. And then another. The slippery slope is gentle. You travel quite a distance before you fall off the cliff. I’m still attending meetings daily, for example. I stay in touch with my sponsor on a daily basis, too. I work with 5 sponsees, two of whom are actively doing the work, two are actively pretending to and one, the one who is probably the most like me, is actively wishing he was willing. (Thinking about him breaks my heart. )

In spite of these things I have increasingly felt restless, irritated and depressed. Finances, for example, have been hugely problematic since last August. There is a definite move in my future, either at the end of this month or next, which is adding to my anxiety. I have become increasingly irritated in meetings by an entire class of AA member whom I have judged (either rightly or wrongly) to have not done ‘the work’. In spite of the reinstatement of my probation, a blessing of some magnitude, I have only been able to focus on the additional terms of my probation. One of my court orders reinstating my probation actually says that as one of the terms of my reinstatement that I am to “complete AA/NA” - that little gem just about made my head pop off. I have never really recovered from my bout of bronchitis and right now my throat is so sore I can barely swallow. I haven’t slept more than two consecutive hours in months. I am acutely aware of being single.

For someone putting consistent effort into the program these things are easily navigable. For someone who has “let up” they are the beginning of a slow decline back into the insanity of addiction; a decline so gentle that it is hardly perceptible. I couldn’t see it, but something was gnawing at me. I knew something was not right. And somehow, before yesterday I had not noticed how long it has been since I was willing to pick up a pen and write any inventory. My writing here had trailed of significantly and anything that showed up here was by sheer force of will rather than the organic process that I typically experience. My regimen of prayer and meditation has weakened. Naturally a simple knowledge of God’s presence in my life has not netted the same results that earnestly seeking God did.

One of the most uncomfortable truths for me is that nearly every time I take someone else’s inventory, like I did to that poor girl the other day, I am really taking my own inventory. Those that irritate me are more often than not just like me. It often takes me days to see it, though, and I don’t know that I’ve ever been able to see it before I pick up a pen and write inventory. The up-side of this discomfort it that it reminds me that I am growing. In fact, I’m probably growing a lot.