You are of your father the devil, and you want to do the desires of your father. He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth because there is no truth in him. Whenever he speaks a lie, he speaks from his own nature, for he is a liar and the father of lies.
It came to my attention a few moments ago that there exists a link to this blog from another blog written by Mickey Clontarf in a post entitled “Agents for Satan”. Many of us who blog about recovery are listed there. The Last Chance Texaco is listed below the scripture from the Gospel of John, Ch. 8, v. 44. This disturbs me on so many levels that I’m not even quite sure where to begin addressing them, but I guess I’ll try.
First, I should point out that among my thoughts and feelings around this, anger and revenge are markedly absent. I know that by addressing the situation at all I may create the impression that this isn’t so, but what I want to examine has nothing at all to do with Mr. Clontarf and everything to do with my fears, my insecurities, my pride, my program and my relationship with G-d. The strangest things sometimes prompt that kind of self-examination. That being said . . .
In sharing my experience of a Power greater than myself, as I understand that Power, I believe I have remained very general. I believe everyone has the right to get sober, regardless of their religious beliefs. I don’t believe I have the right to force my beliefs on others. I am frustrated by those who do foist their beliefs on others. There have been times in my life when something like what Mr. Clontarf has done would infuriate me. Yet today, in whatever halting and small way I can, I try to live by a certain set of spiritual principles and that means showing love and tolerance to those that disturb me and showing pity and patience to the sick.
As the basic text suggests we do, I asked G-d to show me how to be helpful to Mr. Clontarf. I briefly considered leaving a comment on his blog; something compassionate, but it occurred to me that no matter what I said he would likely view it as a challenge or a threat and respond even more vigorously. My saying anything could only create more harm, so I didn’t leave a comment.
I’m disturbed also by the particular scripture that was placed above me. No part of it, to me, has a ring of truth in it. Because I love my Creator, I love the truth, and one of the tools I use in writing 4th step inventory is a way of taking the thinking out of my head and examining it to find the truth, for it is always there. Often what comes out on paper initially is the truth, but inside out or backwards or both, so I find the truth in any of those 2nd column statements by twisting them up. (Just a quick example: If I start with the statement “D. should take care of me.” it seems pretty obvious that this is not the truth. It is simply the crap in my head. But the truth is in there. “I should take care of D.” hmmm. also not true. “D. shouldn’t take care of me.” Now this IS true - remember, nothing happen’s in G-d’s world by mistake. Now because I am a child of G-d I have been given the divine power of choice, and here I am, not being taken care of. Perhaps, and here is the greatest truth in the first statement, “I should take care of me.” THAT is the truth.) So because this scripture is so uncomfortable to me, so subjectively different than my experience of my Creator, I have done that inventory technique on it, and found that it perfectly matches my sense of the Truth.
“You are of your Creator, your G-d and you want to do His will. He was the Creator from the beginning and He stands in Truth, because He is Truth. When he speaks it is the Truth because there is only Truth in Him.”
My experience is subjective, though. Can I know that this is true? I don’t know. What I do know is that the first spiritual principle I try to live by is honesty, truth. And I know that since I have embraced that I have not had the compulsion or the desire to get drunk or high.
The most uncomfortable part for me though is that if I am truly living by the principles that I say I embrace, I am forced to concede that Mr. Clontarf may be right. I don’t think he is, of course, but I’m open to the idea.
Tags: 1st Step, 8th Step, Acceptance, Brotherly Love, God, Honesty, truth
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February 21, 2008 at 12:21 pm
Anonymous
I understand your feelings about this because this particular person has made a visit to nearly all our blogs at one point or another. I now review my comments before I release them on my blog so that I can delete his immediately. I do not even read them anymore. This person has some serious issues and I doubt there is help for him but I am sure he is not even mentally stable enough to even realize that.
February 21, 2008 at 12:29 pm
The Traveler
I was thinking of another situation this morning, and about how in it to fail to choose is a choice in and of itself.
And in this situation, to choose not to respond is in itself a response.
He’s a great illustration of our powerlessness over others, or their “thinking.”
It feels good, to have the freedom not to have to launch into a reaction and get all churned up inside, but rather to see with clarity, and feel peace, doesn’t it?
-DeeK
February 21, 2008 at 12:35 pm
Chris
Yeah, it’s a curious experience. I’m even delighted that something like that, when viewed through that basic sort of clarity, can be used for even deeper self examination, revealing deeper truths and especially THE truth beyond my subjective experience of it.
That’s just not like me.
February 21, 2008 at 4:12 pm
bobbie
It is so ironic to me that this person hasn’t read the context of this passage. I’m someone who has spent some time with the Bible, and lots of time in recovery - and Jesus is referring to those people who are trying to say “who gets to be in and who is out” - the pharisees. And by his very own actions this man has done just the very thing Jesus is condemning. ironic and very sad. Up a little bit from that verse is one of my favorite recovery verses. If I could I’d place it as a banner right above your name:
John 8:32 - And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.
I have found so much recovery here - that man is a hater and doesn’t speak for any God I know. Thanks for doing what you do, I am learning much about my last chance.
February 21, 2008 at 4:33 pm
Chris
Thank you, Bobbie.
I just came from a noon meeting, a book study, and today we were finishing up Bill’s Story beginning right at the part where Bill concedes that Christ is “a great man, not too closely followed by those who claim Him.” My own experience is the same as Bill’s. I held the same view. But the idea of God I walked through the door with was a bearded, bean counting, lightning bolt throwing bastard in the sky. Not a power by which I could live. I made my beginning by laying aside that idea and expressing the simple willingness to seek.
From that beginning I have grown to an absolute certainty of the presence in my life of an all-loving, all-powerful Creator who loves me more than I can understand, wants better for me than I know how to want for myself, and who has a plan, a design and a purpose for me to grow day by day, in whatever little or uncertain way that I can, in His own likeness and image. That’s why I keep seeking. That’s why I come back.
I stayed loaded essentially for the effect. Today I stay sober for the same reason.
February 21, 2008 at 5:00 pm
Sam
Hey there! I’m Sam, one of the many who Micky graced in his list. Please pardon my putting the same comment on your site that I’ve put on so many others.
I’ve copied his list (with some omission of content!) and posted in on my site, http://www.raanch.com. You might want to take a look, for there are 82 blogs listed there. You’re bound to find a new friend to follow. Also, I’m offering to everyone the code to put the same list in a post on their site. Lastly, there’s a non-link to Micky’s site, where folks can post a thank you to him for his service. After all, he really helped us out by compiling this list!
Take good care!
Sam
February 22, 2008 at 8:16 am
bobbie
“I stayed loaded essentially for the effect. Today I stay sober for the same reason.” - this has been one of the biggest ah-ha’s for me lately - riding the emotion that used to drive me into my addiction into the place of serenity. It’s almost like a wave in my head - I can let it push me ashore to where my addiction is, or I can learn to ride it and surf to that place of serenity. The picture of my 42 year old butt on a surfboard would make anyone shudder, but in my mind I can hang 10 with the best of them!
The biggest gift recovery has given me was of a God that was full of grace. That bean counter you spoke of had a huge thumb placed squarely between my shoulder blades and he was a shame-meister. Finding out that I had the ability to find God “as I understand him” changed everything.
It’s why I come back too.
I got my first sponsoree yesterday, and that changes everything for me too. I am so overwhelmed that someone might want what I have. Hearing you blogging on sponsoring has been so helpful for me. I don’t ever want this to be codependent - and the line you wrote a couple of weeks ago about not caring more about someone else’s recovery than they do will be foremost in my thoughts as I interact with this lovely woman. Thank you!
February 22, 2008 at 5:25 pm
Marc
I can’t imagine why you would think somehow what this quite evidently mentally ill man’s choice of scripture has anything remotely to do with your blog or any of the blogs he has listed below that particular quote.
I imagine he was severely abused as a child by an alcoholic father who tried to get sober in AA and failed, abusing Mr Clontarf even more. He therefore as chosen AA as the focus of all the wrongs done to him. He is to be pitied, and perhaps feared if he ever gets a gun into his hands, but his words should be given no more weight than if they were written by Kim Il Sung.
February 22, 2008 at 8:32 pm
BoyGrowsUp
You are to be commended for your measured response, and your forbearance.
This Mick is a delusional character. I feel sympathy toward him, because there must be something horrible and vexing in his life that he is struggling mightily with.
I left this comment at his blog post:
Micky: As someone who spent 37 years studying the Bible, I can say without doubt that the Good Book condemns anyone who claims to be “the Holy One of God” unless that person has the name of Jesus Christ. The Reverend Jim Jones thought otherwise, and look how that turned out.
February 22, 2008 at 9:00 pm
Java
Beautifully written. I continue to be inspired by the evidence of The Steps in the lives of people I’ve met around these parts.
(There are 5 prepositional phrases in that last sentence. My old English teachers would cringe.)
February 25, 2008 at 9:25 pm
Daniel J.
This is the metaphysical description of addiction. Read the quote again and think of it alone in this way. It makes bone-chilling sense.
“You [addiction] are of your father the devil, and you want to do the desires of your father [again, addiction]. He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth because there is no truth in him. Whenever he speaks a lie, he speaks from his own nature, for he is a liar and the father of lies.”
February 25, 2008 at 9:39 pm
Chris
You are exactly, precisely right, Daniel. That is exactly what addiction is. Part of my moment of clarity that brought me to recovery -at least this time and the first time that the experience has had any authenticity to me- was not only the realization of the truth about my disease, but also a glimmer of realization of the truth about me; that truth being that I am the child of an all powerful, all loving Creator of all possibilities and that there is a plan, a purpose and a destiny for me to grow toward Him.
Thank you for visiting. You are most welcome here.