If Your Car Feels Like This

They say that time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.
-Andy Warhol

The book talks over and over about needing to take action; about heading for trouble if we rest on our previous accomplishments; about having a ‘daily reprieve’ based on our spiritual health. It directs us to seek to “improve our conscious contact with God”, conscious contact that we gain, at least in the sense of recovery from addiction, by first taking the steps. Of course they knew the 12 steps were but the beginning of a spiritual way of life. “We realize we know only a little. God will constantly disclose more to you and to us.” It tells us that there are “certain trials and low spots ahead.” It never says that we will be entirely, completely and forever free of alcoholic thinking.

So . . . I had a bad day. Obviously.

Actually, in terms of fucked up thinking and out of control emotions, it was the most fucked up day I’ve had in recent memory. Moreover, it’s exactly the kind of thinking that used to send me straight for a bottle or a bag. The feelings of worthlessness were also compounded by the fact that I’ve been ill. For a week now I’ve been trying to pretend that I don’t have bronchitis and today I finally went to the doctor to take care of that. Illness probably accounted for much of it, truthfully; “how great the spiritual change that it brings”.

This time, this round of overwhelming hopelessness, I didn’t experience the compulsion to get loaded. This time the tools I’ve been taught to use kicked in. When the ride is bumpy you grease the wheel bearings, right? So when life gets bumpy I pick up the “simple kit of spiritual tools.” Even though at the time they didn’t seem to bring me much relief (if any), they did keep me busy for awhile. I did what I could to live in the solution, to keep my side of the street clean, to carry the message, to seek God and I got a decent nights sleep.

And this morning everything looks much better. It’s not what I would have in my idealized life, but it’s do-able. If nothing happens in God’s world by mistake, then God’s will is what happens. Just who do I think I am to argue and pout about God allowing me to pay for the consequences of my own actions?

My other actions had consequences, too. The action of taking the steps, the action of working with others, the action of being honest about what was in my head, the action of asking for help, the action of praying, the action of going to bed early - all these things had consequences. The consequences are that I helped another addict, I relied a little more on God, I gained a little faith, and most importantly - I didn’t have to get loaded.

And that’s a miracle.

Vintage Ad #305: MAAAARFAK!, originally uploaded by jbcurio.