If this were an actual emergency . . .

February 15, 2008 in Uncategorized | 3 comments

What I know about the situation is that I placed myself in it, for starters, so I have no business complaining about it or being so butt-hurt. I also know how to solve the problem of wallowing in self-pity and resentment. I know how to mend the pain of being sore at myself. But apparantly, at the moment anyway, I am unwilling or unable to pick up those tools and put them to work. I imagine that tells me that I’m getting some sort of reward out of this being miserable which is a perverse idea so it shouldn’t surprise me.

I went to court yesterday to be sentenced for a probation violation. If I had not violated I would have been off probation in like 10 more months.

Now I have 5 more years.

200 hours of community service to do within a year and 5 more years of being on probation in a state that doesn’t allow me to leave except by special permission and only to go be with immediate family. Which means I’m here, in this state I can’t stand, where I don’t believe I’ll ever have a boyfriend, where there are no opportunities unless you really like hunting or fishing or are a Mormon or a Republican, for five more M*$#er F@&$(*g years.

I seriously, at least at the moment, think I’d rather die. And unfortunately, because I placed myself in this position, it validates every rotten thing I already think about myself and every reason I think carrying on is not worth it. I know that is my disease talking. I know this too shall pass. But it won’t pass till I’m fourty f-ing eight years old. Till then I’m trapped in a mean, nasty republican cultural wasteland trying to protect myself from my past and from my drunken mother.

What is stupider is that if they hadn’t made it a requirement I probably wouldn’t feel this way. I’d probably end up here for five more years anyway. And this feeling is so overwhelming, particularly on my 11th consecutive Valentine’s Day without a companion or any prospect of one, that I’m afraid if I said what was really going on in my head I’d be locked up for my own good. In case anyone needs me I’ll be hiding in my room, crying, praying for the willingness to do the work.

  1. penni on February 15, 2008 at 5:17 am

    i just wanted you to know i was here. i am here, i will be here? always here for you.

    opinion only, so take it for what it’s worth: nobody likes being “told” what to do and have such restrictive measures placed upon them. you feel you’ve essentially been given a sentence of “house arrest” or “bracelet program” and you are bucking it. you are beating yourself up over your past mistakes and that is something we all do - regardless of our addiction or not. we fuck up, we get punished, we have to mete out our sentences for everything.

    or not. which is what got you here. you traded 10 months for 5 years. not a good trade off, but the person you were when you did that is not the person you are now. it almost feels - to me, anyway - that you are being punished for the sin of a stranger, someone you perhaps once knew but no longer know as even a mere acquaintance, and that is difficult.

    so yeah, it sucks. it sucks really bad. but being in jail - and i won’t refer to the talk we had yesterday about the “benes” - is a total loss of freedom and life’s pleasures, like going to meetings and being a sponsor…calling your friend penni…eating a good bowl of soup when you want to…renting a movie…eating chocolate, as someone near and dear to me once recommended. this may not the be best list of “what is good in my life,” but not as bleak as living in a 4′ x 6′ cell with someone named gerald who doesn’t have your best interests at heart.

    just sayin’.

    if you need me to, i’ll send you the “affirmation” my sponsor sent me and you can start reading it aloud as you gaze at yourself in the mirror. ::ew:: that may be my creepiest advice, yet :)

    love you.

  2. Marc on February 15, 2008 at 3:40 pm

    1) I seem to remember someone extolling the charms of Boise several months ago?
    2) People are terminated early off probation and parole all the time. Wait a year and then ask your probation officer about it.
    3) What you establish a good relationship with your probation officer, things like leaving the state are no big deal. They are so used to con men and failures, they are very happy to have a success story. Though turnover is high–prepare to have to get friendly with a new one every 8 months or so.
    4) “No prospect of one.” Since when have you ever known ahead of time you were about to land a boyfriend? Why don’t you let God handle that. You just work on being the best boyfriend you can be when whoever shows up, and stop projecting energy into the “he’ll never come” scenario.

  3. Chris on February 15, 2008 at 6:44 pm

    Oh Marc, that’s so sweet of you. You’re such a city boy. You don’t realize that my new P.O. is actually making me, and actually has the authority to make me, go to Fundamentalist Christian I Can’t Believe It’s AA. And while Boise has it’s charms I think if I were “extolling it’s virtues” I was “like a boy whistling in the dark.” And yes, they do let people visit out of state all the time, but Idaho almost never lets people leave. Ever. Ever ever. And as for the early release thing? I’ve been supervised for 12 years already. Why would they ever release me?

    But chalk yesterday up to loneliness, bronchitis and fear. As days in sobriety go, it was as bad as its been in the last year. But I didn’t have to pick up over it, and today is a new day and today life seems a bit more do-able. Boyfriend or passport or no.