Few indeed are the practicing alcoholics who have any idea how irrational they are, or seeing their irrationality, can bear to face it. Some will be willing to term themselves “problem drinkers,” but cannot endure the suggestion that they are in fact mentally ill. “Sanity” is defined as “soundness of mind.” Yet no alcoholic, soberly analyzing his destructive behavior, whether the destruction fell on the dining-room furniture or his own moral fiber, can claim “soundness of mind” for himself.
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (page 33)
Like most of us in recovery, I’m not the only addict member of my family. Someone I am very close to is still suffering. The last several days have been filled with telephone conversations and emails exchanged between the rest of us regarding the current behavior of the ’sick one’. The other members of my family are ‘normies’, or at least recognize the potential addict latent within them and resolutely follow spiritual paths with admonitions against drug and alcohol use. They have carefully and consciously chosen paths that lead them away from what they have seen happen to the two of us who fell. They are tremendously supportive of my recovery. They are also tremendously disturbed by the most recent developments in the sick one’s trip through the gates of insanity. Being active in recovery affords me such a different view of the situation than normal people have. I find that I am much less twisted up about it than they are. But I have also carefully engineered a protective barrier between me and the sick one that my family vigilantly guards.
The sick one will acknowledge that drinking is a problem, that perhaps she should ‘cut down’, but she refuses to acknowledge the truth staring her painfully in the face; the truth that she is completely out of control and that she is harming more than herself. One of the major barriers to facing the truth is her idea that income and power are the same thing. The only zeros she will recognize come in groups of six in her net worth. A recent incident, the one that has upset my family so, would be sufficient to cause any normal person to step back and reassess life as they have been living it. Unfortunately I don’t think that will be the case with the sick one. I am sure she has already fixed the blame solidly elsewhere. If she were forced to watch a video of her behavior and to listen to what she was saying she would find a way to deny the truth.
My fear is that this is only the beginning of a long string of incidents like it, incidents that will hurt the other members of my family incalculably. I have to remember that whether I understand it or not, God is at work in her life for the greater good of us all. I have to remember to exercise the same love and patience that I would give her if she had cancer or even the flu - she has as much control over her spiritual sickness. And I need to help the rest of my family. They need the support of one who has been there and gotten out, if only for today. No one ever did me any favors by standing in the way of the natural consequences of my use. It took becoming seriously broken for me to ask God for help. Today I can only show my family the value of the tragedy that broke me and support them as they step back from the sick one in hopes that she faces the truth; the truth that all her score cards read zero. If she places 12 steps in front of those zeros, like in the picture on this post, it becomes something great.
dollar twenty, originally uploaded by krstl_blu.
Tags: 1st Step, 2nd step, alcoholism, family, Honesty, Hope, insanity
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February 4, 2008 at 9:58 am
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February 4, 2008 at 10:15 am
pen
the saddest thing is to watch someone — anyone — go through the suffering and struggles that come with the stronghold of addiction. it is especially difficult when it is someone we love, regardless of the past pain that has been (and still continues to be) inflicted.
what’s next? what happens next for your loved one? has there ever been an intervention and who would decide that for her?
would you attend? would you be able to attend? would you see an intervention as maybe being a big step in your amends and resolution of your own resentments and anger toward this family member?
the hardest thing i had to do was forgive my absentee father. he had been an alcoholic and addict on so many levels that we went 23 years with no discussion, and he rejected whatever overtures i had made in my early-20’s to being reconciled. it was a bitter pill to swallow, returning a phone call but it was dissolved in our first conversation amidst both of our tears. what i hadn’t realized until i made that call was that he was in recovery and was sober (as of that year) a total of 17 years. his sobriety date was my birthday.
here was a man i thought i could never forgive. someone who was broken and had hit his bottom (which bottom i never had the desire to know what it was) who has become, post-humously, one of my biggest heroes because he had the willingness to recognize his brokenness and need for forgiveness. it was powerful when it came; i will never regret having made that phone call.
(again, i must emphasize he was in recovery and attended meetings and worked his program to the nth degree. there may be some time needed in between for you and your relative. but don’t dismiss it out-of-hand. God has it completely in control; be open.)
heart you.
February 4, 2008 at 10:29 pm
Dirty Dishes
I think you are in the right place on this one. You are doing the single and most difficult thing right now, sitting back and waiting for her to ask for your help. Prayers to your family.
PS-One a lighter note, thanks for the Shirley Bassey, I love GOLD FINGER!!!!!!!WAH WAH WAAAAAAAAAAH
February 4, 2008 at 11:44 pm
Chris
I only heard “This is My Life” a couple of days ago and damn if I don’t think I finally found my theme song!
as far as intervention - we’ve been down this path before. she doesn’t need us. she doesn’t care about how we feel. she’d as soon kill us as look at us. I think we may have finally all been disowned and disinherited. pity, i was counting on it for my retirement. but the terms were too high. she has to go break. or die.
she’s in G’s hands -
February 6, 2008 at 4:53 pm
The Traveler
There are shattered hearts on both sides of the addiction fence. It’s a powerful, infiltrating disease.
-TT
February 6, 2008 at 6:10 pm
rod
i am learning through al-anon that it is completely okay for me to be making choices towards sanity while someone i love chooses a different direction. they have that choice and the ability to choose for their own lives. and i can love them no matter what their choice looks like. as long as i set boundaries for myself.
god this sounds so lovely, but easy it ain’t at all…..
practice my friend.. certainly not perfection…
February 6, 2008 at 8:08 pm
Erin
It’s tough to have to sit back and watch a loved one’s addiction play out right? I have had to do the same thing with a close member of my family since I entered into recovery and it was heartbreaking.
You know the saying “accept the things I cannot change” well baby doll, this is one of those things. But, as anyone who has experienced this type of thing will tell you, accepting a situation for what it is does not take the hurt and fear out of it…unfortunately.
We all know that in order for us to climb back up we usually need to hit the bottom. How far down that is differs from person to person but I think you’ll agree that your family member is definitely descending quickly.
I’m sorry that you have to sit back and just watch…it’s tough.
February 7, 2008 at 11:42 am
Just Another Addict
This is tough, tough stuff. I have gone through the same with my beloved sister. You are right - G-d’s hands.
I feel you, brother!
February 14, 2008 at 1:19 am
BoyGrowsUp
Thanks for the insight into the family that holds more than one addict. I don’t know this dynamic, being the only “black sheep” addict in my family. It strikes me by your words what a resource and potential ally you could be for this hurting, disabled family member — if that opportunity presents itself, or continues to present itself. Which is another way of saying, “Hey, look at where you are today. Once a cripple yourself, you have journeyed away from dependency in order to survive and become strong. And now you might could be part of that equation for others.”
This post gave me new insight. Thanks.