Sideways

“There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.”
- Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 58

That pretty much describes me at any given point in my history; emotionally and mentally ‘disordered’, gravely. I have at various times been diagnosed with everything from major depression to bi-polar disorder (type II), attention deficit disorder to borderline personality disorder. One of the things I learned in the process is that you can be well enough medicated to be unwilling to take the steps. Pain is a great motivator. Another thing I’ve learned is that a correct diagnosis helps. So does the right medication. The medication I’m finally on does nothing to re-uptake anything. It doesn’t keep me from experiencing great joy or great sadness. It only keeps me from being insanely manic or suicidally depressed. It allows me to be in enough pain to do the work but not so much pain that I can’t, and not so little pain that I won’t. Nothing I have constitutes the kind of gravity that the book is talking about though. What I know about serious mental illness could fill a thimble.

A young man I sponsor knows about it though. At the cusp of finishing the first part of his 4th step inventory he required hospitalization. He got home today, the voices quieted. And anxious to get back to work; to move on to the next part of the 4th proposal. One of the greatest assets this young man has is his ability to be honest. The only asset greater is his willingness to grow spiritually.

I don’t pretend to know what it’s like when your brain blows you sideways the way his does, but I know something about what it takes to recover from the seemingly hopeless state of body and mind of addiction. And he has that in spades. I’m lucky to know him. I’m grateful to be able to show him what was shown to me. I suspect that he’ll be of great service to others who come in with the same set of challenges one day.

Texaco, originally uploaded by an0nym0usmuse.