There’s a Light in the Darkness

We should learn just to stick our hand out and whoever it touches that is alone, engage them, in whatever way is helpful. There is joy to be had, in that.
- Anonymous

It’s not surprising that with the new year there are an unusual number of ‘newcomers’ in the rooms of AA and other programs that offer a spiritual solution to the problems of living. I got sober this time of year. I was in a meeting tonight that was packed with people new to the program and it set me thinking about when I came in.

When I got to AA, life was really not working out. I was at that ‘jumping off point’ that the book talks about. I needed something and I didn’t know what it was. I hoped that I could get it if I found a better shrink or more understanding of myself. I didn’t think I would find the answer to my intolerable situation in Alcoholics Anonymous. I didn’t want to find the answer in AA. I hated AA. I hated the people in AA. But, I had placed myself in a situation which required me to attend AA meetings.

A friend of mine who was there when I first walked in to that first meeting tells me that my eyes never left the floor. She says I bumped into a post. I don’t remember. I don’t remember much about those first meetings except that I hated being there and the people in those meetings kept saying ridiculuos shit like ‘the newcomer is the most important person in the room’ and ‘let us love you until you can love yourself’. At the time I thought it was the biggest bunch of shit I had ever heard. I heard people say those thing but I’d leave the meeting without anyone even saying hello to me.

I kept coming back partly because I had to, partly because it was the only place I felt safe and partly because it was the only place I heard people tell stories about how they recovered from the kind of pain I was in. Having been through it for just a little while now I can see that there were things I did which made the process harder. If you’re new to recovery I hope you’ll take these suggestions to heart and avoid some of the struggle I had coming in.

For example, the first word in let us love you until you can love yourself is ‘let’. We can’t do that when you bolt for the door the minute the meeting is over. We have no chance of getting to know you and getting to care about you if you won’t let us. Hang out after the meeting. If someone spoke and said something which you identified with, don’t wait for them to talk to you. Go introduce yourself to them. Let them know you’re new. Ask us for phone numbers and use them, even if you don’t have anything to say. We don’t want to be guilty of cramming this down your throat so you have to meet us in the middle. You have to reach out. That means more than simply showing up.

The same thing goes for you being the ‘most important person’ in the room. It is our express purpose to show you what we have done to get better. We can’t do that when you run out of the room at the end of a meeting. You have to be willing to let us in. You have to reach out a little. You will find, though, that when you reach out some extraordinary people will reach back with a message of hope.

We’re not perfect at delivering the message, though. We’re only human. Looking at my own efforts to reach out to those who are new I find that I often fall short of the mark. My motives are rarely pure. I have to really check my impulse to introduce myself to the young and handsome ones and make an effort to introduce myself to those who have clearly had a rougher time. I’m not always successful at restraining myself when I want to tell someone that they are, in so many words, an idiot. I am afraid that I still judge simple people rather harshly. I still have room to grow, to practice the principles more honestly and consistently and to reach out to new people. If you’re new to all this please keep that in mind. There is hope. There is a light in the darkness which will show you the way. There are people who will bend over backwards to help you stay sober. But unless you stick your hand out we may not know you’re there.

Photo credit: gas, originally uploaded by beauludget.