Holiday Follies

All men may err; but he that keepeth not his folly, but repenteth, doeth well; but stubbornness cometh to great trouble. -Sophocles, Antigone

It is hard to understand how someone so clever, so witty, so completely charming and attractive as I am, someone so devoid of malice, someone through whom goodness and beneficence shines like the morning sun (yeah, WHATEVER dude!) could find himself in such a mess. For any real addict or alcoholic, someone, say, like me, the answer is simple. I did it to myself. Every true difficulty that I face today I face because I placed it in my own path. Every time I have made a decision or taken an action which originated in fear, self-delusion, self-seeking or self-pity I have harmed myself.

If you’re new to recovery or haven’t been able to reach out for it yet then everything I just said probably makes no sense. I want you to know that you’re not alone. I was just like you. Life had not given me a fair shake. I had been dealt a shitty hand. I had done the best I knew how to do with very little and shit had not worked out the way it should have. I’m not even the only one who thought so. Outsiders and family members alike assured me that the things I felt about my situation were entirely justifiable. Any reasonable person in a similar situation could easily end up where I was and those who loved me were cautiously supportive.

Without going in to any kind of unnecessary detail (and giving away my best material before I have a chance to polish it and submit it for publication at Random House) you’ll have to be satisfied to know that I was accidentally conceived while my parents were in high school, grew up in a town of 25,000 people that makes Salt Lake City look like Sodom and Gomorrah, the first people I ever knew who got divorced were my parents, my mother ditched us in Europe for a year while she “moved”, got back to the states a year behind in school and in a new city and the first person I met off the plane was my step-father (she hadn’t been dating anyone when I talked to her the week before), flunked out of high school, ran away from home, had a series of horrible boyfriends and a wife and somehow discovered that drugs made me feel better. If none of this happened I wouldn’t be an addict.

Or would I? When you’re new, the whole 4th step thing seems impossible. Fearless and searching? It’s simply too scary. Who knows what might really be at the bottom of that cave, right? And then to look resolutely for my part? Some of that stuff hardly seems like I could even have a part in it. And then in the 5th step we have to share all of that with another person, put the whole thing on the table in front of another person. Subject ourselves to the kind of embarrassment and criticism that will surely follow? WHY would anyone ever attempt such a thing? In the real life examples I sketched out I found that I did have a part in some way or other. I found that by going back over my life carefully I could discern patterns in my behavior; ways that I routinely responded to life that were not working and that kept me miserable. Sharing all that crap with another trusted person, someone who’s story was similar to mine, I found that while I am certainly flawed I am by no means unique. When I thoroughly searched for the flaws in my makeup which had been my downfall and subjected myself to a drastic self-appraisal I found nothing in me that cannot be corrected with God’s help. Nothing.

Once you’re sober it becomes a matter of how we deal with now and what we can do to correct the errors we’ve made in the past so that it doesn’t trip us up in the future. Like most of us who are new to recovery, I have some past. Some big past. Some scary past. Some hungry scary past just itchin’ to bite my ass. It seems that about 17 months ago, when I didn’t think I was being treated well enough by an organization I hated anyway I decided to just start pretending that they didn’t exist. I would go about my life the way I saw fit (wanted to) and if they had a problem with it they could come to me. I was sick to death of trying to reach them. I believe the words I used in my head to cement that justification were, “Fuck them.” It was an action which originated in fear, self-delusion, self-seeking and self-pity. It was a mistake and it was a mistake that I have to go about righting.

Friday is the anniversary of my ‘moment of clarity’, that point in time when I realized that everything I had tried and everything I had done to take a little happiness from life had netted me nothing and that unless I was willing to do something completely different it would never change. Friday I also get to go to court to be accountable for that particular decision to blow off the Department of Corrections in favor of doing what I wanted to do. Since it is only an arraignment on the violation and since my bond is currently set at $100K, there is little chance that I’ll be walking out of that court room on Friday. I could be gone for only a few days. I could be gone, it’s unlikely, but I could be gone for 7 years.

The outcome of the situation is clearly in God’s hands, not mine. I just have to show up, be accountable for my part, and be willing to do whatever it is I need to do to set it right. And I am willing to do that. It is not something that I believe I need to do alone, however. My sponsor, my roommate, a former employer and friend (who’s home I was staying in last January while I detoxed), and several friends have all agreed to show up in court with me that morning. Some who are unable to make it have sent letters.

I haven’t asked before for tangible help from those of you who read this blog regularly. I know there are quite a few of you out there who read but never participate in the comments. If any of you who read this with any regularity, who have been following for some time, particularly those of you who have seen the transition from MethedUp to Texaco wish to express your support or share what you’ve gained here please feel free to post a comment today.

I will get in at least one more post before Friday. I’ll try to stay on the light side. I really don’t want to believe that I’ll be gone for any length of time, but since it is possible, I want to say thank you. This has been great. And till we meet again may God bless you and keep you.