Ready. Set.

November 30, 2007 in Uncategorized | 13 comments

“You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.” - C. S. Lewis

433282113112003_265014131120032.jpgMy roommate is writing a book.

Not today. Today she’s working on writing exercises, learning the craft, reading a ton of important literature. Early in the morning she can be found in her rocking chair in the corner of the dining room, wrapped in a quilt, pen in hand and coffee nearby, scribbling away at the millet filled lap desk. She has a little sign taped to the end of the table beside her rocker that reads, “Virginia Wolf gives you permission to write nonsense by the ream.”

She also started a 9 month ‘healthy lifestyles’ class at the Y. They set some short term and some long term fitness goals. Her long term goals seem unreachable to me. They are definitely going to require work to get to. I wouldn’t even dream of setting a goal like those she’s set. It seems impossible to me. And she’s 12 years older than me.

I have another friend (like I said, I use that word more and more loosely) who was becoming uninterested in recovery. After talking to his sponsor and grandfather, he realized that all the short term goals he had set had been accomplished and that he needed a new set of goals. He seems to be engaged again. (He’s still a total dick, but - now, just an aside. He was a total dick to me and the compulsive/impulsive me wanted to delete him from my MySpace friends last night because you know what? He’s not my friend. He has only ever shown up to see what he could get from me - in the old days it was drugs - these days he’ll stand me up for a ride home from work and -here’s why i got mad and wanted to erase him - when i see him in a meeting the next day DOESN’T EVEN SAY HELLO let alone apologize - but he’ll show up at my house unannounced because he wants a blow job. seriously. Shouldn’t I apply the same willingness to erase someone from my digital life who I know, because I’m looking at him, bears me no good will as I have applied to people who were the unfortunate targets of my horrible relationship PTSD? Feel free to chime in here, kids. I need guidance on this one.)

Anyway. Back to the goals. My grandfather used to say, “Ya cain’t lead’em where ya’ain’t goin’.” I haven’t had a goal since my parents got divorced. I’ve been running from stuff since then. In recovery I can see that at least I’m running FROM something. When I was talking to my roommate about that this morning I said something about feeling like I’m running in circles and she said that, no, I’m clearly NOT running in circles. I may be running in a zig-zag and not running toward something particular, but I am absolutely headed AWAY from where I was. That was a relief.

But it seems to me that one can expend, that I have expended a great deal of energy not really getting anywhere. I’m growing tired of that. Yet I still can’t see where I’d like to be 1 year from now, 5 years from now. Everything I can think of just seems like an insane wish, like nothing is possible. I haven’t set a goal for myself in 27 years and now I don’t know how. And I have this horrible feeling that if I take something like this to my REAL friends (with the exception of my roommate) or my sponsor that they’ll just tell me I’m right where I need to be and keep working the steps. I guess step work really IS a goal. But if that goal is to learn to live by spiritual principles and then practice them in all my affairs that would imply that there are other affairs in my life than AA. Wouldn’t it?

I don’t especially want to spend the rest of my life wandering in the desert. I’d rather be headed to the Promised Land. But what promise do I want? What is still possible for me? How do I figure out how to get there?

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  1. The Traveler on November 30, 2007 at 10:28 am

    First comment. You HAVE had one big goal. To clean up, and get sober. Give yourself credit for that one, and see your progress. OK, back to reading your post…

    -TT

  2. The Traveler on November 30, 2007 at 10:33 am

    Second comment. You have more goals than you realize. You are just afraid of them. Afraid to get them out where you may see them, because then you will face the possibility of failure. You want a significant other. You want a job with recognition. You want to write, where it will count. You want to make a difference.

    See? See what I mean, about what I wrote today? I’m doing it! Even after I wrote about it.

    Life is funny, C.

    -DeeK

  3. Chris on November 30, 2007 at 11:22 am

    That’s why I said I know you’re going to say that. Perhaps I haven’t been clear. Obviously “the work” is important. I’m really talking about things like career goals. I’m a high school drop out, dude. I see kids going to college and working at part-time jobs and surviving and I can’t figure out how they do it. Add AA to that schedule and I feel much too old. God forbid I want to add some fitness goal (and I should add a fitness goal) to that and I can’t even see that there is anything possible. And what goal would I set anyway? How do you break ’shooting for the stars’ down into steps? And the relationship thing? Obviously that’s a tertiary object of writing here. I figure if I just spit my entire authentic self out into the universe and someone thinks that they might be able to tolerate it then perhaps there is hope. But it is going to require getting the hell out of Dodge. NOTHING good has ever happened for me in this town, save for finally getting sober, and nothing ever will. The demographics are just too against me. There are only 3,300 gay men between the ages of 18 and 65 here. One of them is my friend. I haven’t met another one I LIKE let alone think I’d like to date.

  4. Chris on November 30, 2007 at 11:44 am

    The thing is, I’ve been just surviving for a long, long time. Surviving isn’t really the kind of life that supports recovery. I want to get past surviving. Much like the solution to the addiction problem, if I could have figured this out I wouldn’t be here now. Obviously I need help.

  5. Marc on November 30, 2007 at 1:54 pm

    I think you would definitely agree that in 5 years you would like to be a) financially secure; b) doing something 8 hours a day that you enjoy and that you’re good at; c) emotionally and sexually available. Make those your goals, and then ask for guidance for getting to them, putting one foot in front of the other, and LETTING GO OF DETERMINING BEFOREHAND WHAT ACHIEVING THOSE GOALS ARE GOING TO LOOK LIKE. If getting your GED and going to college are in our future, that will become evident. If a move from Boise is in the cards, that will reveal itself.
    One Day at a Time is not only a great way to stay sober, it’s a great way to live. You were “out there” for what, 15 years +? You’ve haven’t even been sober a year. You’re building the basement which will be the foundation of the house–you don’t have to know yet what the house will look like yet, just keep building for now.

  6. Todd on November 30, 2007 at 1:56 pm

    Do I need to send you my copy of The Magic of Believing?

  7. Chris on November 30, 2007 at 3:42 pm

    By God, Marc, I think you’re right. I WOULD agree that in 5 years I’d like a., b. and c. That is a point I can actually work from. Thank you thank you thank you!!! I’m flattered that you think I was only out there 15 years. I must look good for my age! LOL. j/k - I was ‘out there’ for 26 years. You’re right about the basement. Here I am fretting about the geological survey and trying to pour concrete at the same time.

    And Todd, sweet boy, you can send me anything you think I need. Crayons, ransom notes, mushroom soup, cardigan sweaters, plane tickets. Don’t let me inhibit you in any way. I never, at least not in the last decade or so, bite twice. Some old dogs do learn. Not quickly, but we do learn.

  8. The Traveler on November 30, 2007 at 6:03 pm

    Didja make the sign, and hang it up yet? Make a second one about the limbic system, and you’ll have a matching pair.

    You’re doing well, C. Just ’cause you don’t FEEL it doesn’t mean you aren’t making progress.

    These were my thoughts about navigating, and goals:

    http://xdogotogodx.blogspot.com/2007/11/rreecloavpesrey-recovery-relapse.html

    You’re in the bog brush, right now, but one of these days a meadow will break out in front of you, and you’ll see a mountain to aim for.

    Hope your day with the Clown went well. Do you smell like fries?

    -DeeK

  9. Marc on November 30, 2007 at 8:06 pm

    “Ransom notes.” Please don’t forget how funny you are. This is what is going to save your ass, ultimately. You get into trouble when you confuse taking sobriety seriously with taking yourself too seriously.
    And I stole my little bit of advice from “The Promises” actually. Tape that to your bathroom window as you shave that much-better-looking-than-you-give-yourself-credit-for face in the morning.

  10. rod on December 1, 2007 at 6:39 am

    for some reason i am touting japanese paper scrolls as metaphor these days. but for me, that’s how it is working. they really are beautiful. but it take time and practice to see their beauty as intended. if it’s too hurried they just look like colored paper, but if rolled and read with care and practice, they tell an amazing story that is experienced with our hands, heart, eyes, and ears… not just seen.
    progress not perfection…

  11. Irish Friend of Bill on December 2, 2007 at 3:45 am

    firstly. you can delete anyone you like from anything. you don’t need an ‘excuse’ or ‘reason’.
    Most people only have a few people they can rely on. people who if you really need them they will be there for you. the rest is just conversation. Outside those 3 or so people, the rest isnt really important. so stop feeling guilty about nothing.

    goals. nothing wrong with them.
    one thing is for sure. make your life’s purpose ’service’ (in any form) and your goal will find YOU.
    Took me ? 18 yrs in aa to find a new direction, so sometimes you need a bit of patience! But I must admit i wasn’t looking very hard. came out of the blue really. a suggestion from someone I KNEW, knew a LOT (!!) more than me.

    But now i have ‘discovered’ how ACCESSIBLE ‘proper’ study is to working people, i tell loads of people to get good degrees part time in local universities.
    Why not look for AA’s in your area who have already done that and ask them what part time unis they recommend.
    I only say part time because the WORST thing about study is the debt, and there are some EXCELLENT part time courses available.
    Part time excludes medicine and dentistry, but thats about it. the rest is do-able. Law, you name it.

    See what you don’t realize is that academic work IS ALL ABOUT WRITING.

    ideally you want a SHIFT job. ie not 9-5, and lectures 3 nights a week.
    Personally i think you have the intelligence to do any degree you wanted. law would be within your reach. its very flexible and can lead into all sorts of jobs.

    but at the same time i think you are still quite early in recovery. perhaps do a kick ass degree at 4-5 yrs sober or something. its very difficult to pitch a guess from this far away. but you DEFINITELY have the intelligence. i just think you need to mellow a bit before you stress yourself out with study. the problem with study isnt the study. its the STRESS and fighting off the negative self talk. the actual WORK is EASY.

    also there is some very good careers counseling out there. see my careers posts which have some references.
    its not cheap but its worth a try.

    also bear in mind that if you are ’stirred up’ the best place for you really is treading water in job terms ‘doing’ aa. because THATS the life skill that teaches you how to be comfortable. A decent job helps too though.
    Due to your intelligence, it will always be a bit depressing working with low intelligence people, but you will just have to make the best of it till you qualify for something better. Which WILL happen…
    Also PRAY to be guided to the VERY BEST choice of career for YOU.
    Take a crap one year course at local uni. Law intro or something. Perhaps that will give you a better idea whats what. Think of it as a dummy run. Practice. Just do it. And figure it out as you go along. You learn by DOING, not by sitting on the sidelines THINKING about it.
    JUST DO IT. If you can afford to, etc.

    See johnos posts
    http://johnojohno.blogspot.com/
    She just started a degree. Its scary shit! But worth every minute!
    I think her account of the process is pretty accurate.
    Good luck!!!

    Remember god REALLY DOES (!!!!!) look after those whose hearts are committed to the service of their fellow man (or alcoholic).
    You just have to trust that.
    Do the right things and the RIGHT THINGS DO HAPPEN.
    Always works.
    That’s what I find anyway.
    But yeah, you are no good to the world if you hate your job and your life, so you have a DUTY to your fellow man, to make your life as GREAT as you can. Why? For THEIR benefit. The happier YOU are, the more you have to offer your fellow man.
    That’s all there is to it really.
    If you care DEEPLY for others, you will make the very best of your life, for THEIR benefit. When you are stuck in a existential hole, you are unable to serve others. And that is our ‘job’ in recovery. To be of MAXIMUM service. In whatever way we can. Using the gifts we were given, and often never knew we had.
    Exciting!!
    Right gotta go. Cant do short posts!

  12. Chris on December 2, 2007 at 3:39 pm

    I love you , Irish. It’s so good to see you back. Thank you for making your long absence worth the wait.

  13. Scout on December 5, 2007 at 1:48 pm

    My dear Chris –
    I got here late, so I see everyone has already given you wonderful feedback. All I will add is this — if you could only see what I “see” when I”look” at you…..you are fabulous creation, my friend.
    Love,
    Scout