The Way Things Are

“Things are the way they are because I have deliberately made them that way. That’s what distresses me.”

That’s quite an indictment. And so completely true, even though I don’t want to own all of it. Marc said something about worrying being praying for what you don’t want to happen. I seem to be an expert at that recently. Small things and large. But more on that later in our show.

First let me start by acknowledging that McDonald’s is NOT, by any measure or standard, the worst job in the world. It’s honestly earned money. The franchisee in my area is a particularly nice family. The people in the store I trained at were without exception hard working, friendly and cheerful people. It’s hard to imagine that such a group of people could be assembled to do the most horrible, atrocious job in America. I was talking to my roommate tonight about her experience working in fast food. She started by saying how much she admired my willingness, how so much of what happens correlates positively with what lengths we’re willing to go to. Then she told me about the time she worked for Burger King. She had no training at all and was put at the fry station. She fried the fries, she took the fries out and they told her to salt the fries. She salted those fries with a vigor and an enthusiasm that few had ever matched resulting in the return of many, many, many of those fries. They were, “too salty.” While the manager was yelling at her all she could think was, “You manage a Burger King. I go to SMU. Fuck off!” Since then she has realized that managing a fast food restaurant is difficult and honest work.  She has grown to respect those who do it.  One of us willing to work in the industry and one of us having respect for those in the industry is, alone, a testament to the fact that the program of Alcoholics Anonymous WORKS! So, it may not be THE job, but it’s A job, and in fact it’s a decent job and that’s a tremendous relief to me.

It was not a tremendous relief to be stood up 2 nights in a row for a ride home. I’ve been training in a store 5 miles from my home. The store I’ll be working in is about 1 mile away. Training is done from 4pm till 8pm and the first 2 nights are in the McD’s in the land far, far away. So I had gone to a lunchtime meeting yesterday and asked if anyone would be able and willing to get me home after my shift. I can take a bus to get there but I get out after the buses stop running. A friend (I use that term more and more loosely as time wears on) said she’d be glad to do it, that it was in her neighborhood, that it would be no problem at all. Mind you this is not some “Oh, I just got sober and I can’t believe it’s AA, Higher Power whom I choose today to call God, blah blah blah” newbie. This is a woman with 25 years sober. A pillar of the recovery community. A credit to her gender. (Have I crossed the line here yet? I’m looking for the line so I can cross it, not stop short.) My disconnected cell phone has all the important numbers in it, so I naturally didn’t take that with me to work. I got off at 8. I gave her a call at 8:15. No answer. Tried again at 8:30. Still no answer. At 8:45 I figured if I was ever going to make it home it was going to have to be under self propulsion. So I walked. 5 miles. In the snow. Without a hat or gloves. By the time I got home over an hour later the little cherry tomatoes in my chicken Caesar salad had frozen. Yeah, this makes me laugh. I walked 5 miles in the snow with no hat or gloves for $26 before taxes and a salad. When I woke up this morning my eye lashes hurt.

So today at noon I asked again. The IFX said he would but to give him a call at 5 to remind him. When I called at 5 he said he’d definitely be there. After waiting 20 minutes I called Owen. (Yes, I learned from my mistake and brought my disconnected cell phone with all the numbers in it.) Thank God for Owen. Thank God for him.

Then there is a whole other disaster I created in my personal life where I played out all, and I do mean all, of my fears and hurts and hidden and unknown expectations on an unsuspecting victim who actually WAS trying to be my friend.

I haven’t done it consciously. I haven’t done it with intent. I haven’t done it with this aim at all. But I have to wonder if it’s really true; if things are the way they are because I deliberately made them that way. I already know what (the much hated) Louise Hay, Marianne Williamson and Deepak Chopra have to say on the subject. If they are right then I probably have farther to go than I realize to get to being the person and having the life that I believe God intends for me. Two months ago I thought I was doing so splendidly.

Then again, perhaps I’m doing better than I realize. I have a decent job. I have a good friend. I have been able to look at my behavior more or less objectively and without a significant delay. I’ve been willing to go to great lengths to meet my obligations. I guess that things are the way they are. Period. I can move forward or back. And until I do things will continue to be as they are.