Humility v. Humiliation II; Dude, I’m working a program here.

I had an interesting and clarifing conversation with my sponsor regarding humility and humiliation. According to him, and I like this definition, I can work with this definition, humility is thinking of others more than I think of myself. Humiliation is doing something that is beneath me, for whatever reason. He said that McD is perfect right now. If I’m sober and working a program, if I’ve given myself to God, then God’s will is quite simply ‘what happens.’ Whether I understand it or like it or not. He also suggested that as I take this humiliating experience to God that I say something like (his words) “Dude, I’m working a program here. I’m ernestly seeking you. I’m trying to do as I think you would have me do. Now could you kick me down some shit?” You know, basically the last part of the third step prayer.

It just this second occurred to me that perhaps my strategy of taking a job I don’t give a shit about just to keep my nose above water (or rather slow my decent to the bottom of the ocean - let’s face it, this job is not going to pay my bills) and to not have to lose a job I care about because of my unresolved legal bullshit is a demonstration of lack of faith that God will make this all work out somehow rather than a demonstration of faith by doing what seems to me to be the next indicated thing. Maybe I should have been looking for a less humiliating job. Maybe I should have just ignored my fear about losing a job I care about and gone for a job I love.
Oh fuck.

What if that’s not the only area of my life I do that in? I mean, how could it be. You take a principle or a core belief and see how it plays out in one area of life and then reframe the some other area of life in light of the same principle and see if the same thing is happening, right? What if I push away people I care about, what if I place an absolute bar against letting love in, in favor of something worse, something humiliating, like being alone for another 14 years, because I’m afraid of losing them?

See, thats the thing about writing a thing like this. It does something to my brain. I’m all over the map normally and putting a keyboard at my fingertips seems to pull me into a stream. River. Gully in a flash flood. Whatever.

Well then, where do I go from here? I’m already working for a clown. The clown offers medical and dental so apart from the stupid shoes and ugly hair he’s not all bad. I guess I need to be looking for a less humiliating job; something more in line with what I have to offer into the stream of life and not just wresting what I think I need to take from it. I guess I need to stop playing Superman, all locked in my Fortress of Solitude. I guess this is where true humility comes in and where humiliation and the harm I do because of it, stops.