Thanksgiving

I have a secret. As much as I dread them, as much as I resist joining and being a part of (the recovery blogging community), I secretly love memes. The part I love is having a specific question to answer. It’s so much easier than tapping into whatever is going on in the diarama of absurdity that is my mind and making some sort of sense out of it. You see, one of my more glaring defects of character, one of the ones that I apply myself at holding in check at meeting level, is the delusion that I have something to say about every subject and on every occasion. The defect is actually twofold; I want to feel important and I think I’m a genius. Is it any wonder that my little plans and designs push people away? Oddly, the moment I made a commitment to share only if called on unless I was going to get loaded was the moment when I began to be called on without exception. This would go to my head save for the fact that there are people at meetings I attend, insane people, people who have what I most definately do not want, who are, without exception, called on to share as well. I don’t know what to make of that. Kind of like the time when someone reviewed my blog and had sent me an email with questions they had. I didn’t reply to the email very promptly and the review said something about “slightly delayed responses from . . .” and I wondered if he really meant to use the synonym ‘retarded.’ Another defect. I swear they’re like weeds.

But since I was asked, and since I was asked by longtime supporter Rod at Kickin Tina, and since I am no longer in the business of directing, I’ll enjoy the invitation to play. And since Rod felt free to alter the original meme to be 7 random things he’s learned in recovery, I’m going to alter it as well, or rather just beef up the stakes (no pun intended) a bit.

7 random things i’ve learned in recovery. i am also going to tag 7 very wonderful bloggers that are on a similar journey. i believe people in recovery all learn from each other and so perhaps this will be a chance for some of the online recovery community to learn one or two more things about each other and themselves.

First, the rules:

1. Link to the person’s blog who tagged you.
2. Post these rules on your blog.
3. List seven random and/or weird facts you have learned in recovery. This is where I’m changing it to seven things I’m grateful to have learned in recovery.
4. Tag seven random [?] people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs.
5. Let each person know that they have been tagged by posting a comment on their blog.

7 Things I am Grateful to Have Learned In Recovery

1. The thing I crave most and the thing I am most afraid of are the same thing. Intimacy. Intimacy is a basic human need right there at the base of Maslow’s pyramid, but intimacy requires vulnerability. It’s a horrible paradox for a guy like me, deeply wounded and deeply lonely. Physical intimacy with someone is still problematic for me. I haven’t had that in years and years. I no longer feel like the absence of that is killing me, like I once did. I’ve been learning when and how to be intimate at other levels, though. It is still a risk. It still scares me. What I always find, though, is that when I’m vulnerable and share some intimate part of my experience, something that I would never dream of sharing with a normie, another addict always tells me that it was exactly like that for them.
2. I can be entirely myself and people will love me. I always thought I had to change to fit in. I thought no one would want to be my friend if I didn’t look or act or think as certain way. I thought my quirky taste in music had to be supressed along with my fondness of wearing cardigan sweaters a la Arnold Palmer. I thought if I let people know who I really am and how I’m really doing I’d be abandoned. To be sure, being myself has not resulted in a stampede to beat my door down, but the people who like me really like me. It’s just so much easier.
3. I no longer have to rely on faith to carry me. The process has given me an absolute knowledge that my Creator has a plan, a will and a destiny for me to grow, though it may be in fits and starts, day by day in His own likeness and image. I just have to show up.
4. AA meetings, and I assume other 12 step groups, are hotbeds of mental illness. I have learned to discern recovery from regurgitation.
5. I don’t have to do this thing perfectly. In fact not only can it not be done perfectly, it is not the only path up the mountain. The thing the paths have in common, though, is effort. Effort is important. God honors effort. All I have to bring to the table is willingness.
6. My first step was a gift and not the result of anything I did.
7. I don’t have to have all the answers. I don’t have to wonder why God should still love me. I don’t have to be ashamed. I don’t have to regret that it has taken me so long to get here. I can’t think my way out of this. I just have to trust my Creator, love people and clean house.

Now, about carrying the meme. I’m including a couple that are new to blogging and I hope they’ll participate along with some old friends who Rod didn’t tag yet.

1. The Traveler
2. The Trash Whisperer
3. 30 Days Clean & Sober
4. An Irish Friend of Bill
5. Scout
6. In Search of My Creator
7. Second Surrender