Prepared for a long talk

I finished writing my 4th step today. Resentments and fear anyway. Enough to get started since there is a good reason to get it out of the way. Sex inventory, like sex, can wait till later. Much, much later. But as I was sitting here tonight, answering a couple of emails, I started wondering about the path again. My view gets so distorted. I heard someone today talking about how wonderful hindsight is. Well, if you ask me, that is pure and utter bullshit. Hindsight sucks. I look at shit I was writing in July and it HURTS me to look at it. I really don’t recall it being as bad as it was. And now that I’ve reread it I remember. It really was that bad.

I think I’m somewhat less afflicted today. Who knows though. I may read this a year from now and think I was suicidal. Anyway, back to the step work. I read all the way back to the 6 month mark and that first step is still clear in my mind. It’s the only thing I haven’t minimized or distorted. My first step is crystal clear.

Within months I had become unemployable. The only income I had was from selling which I justified by saying that a.) you don’t expect me to pay retail, do you? and b.) a lot of guys I know would be so much happier if someone like me could take the bumps out of the supply line. I couldn’t keep up with the pace or the pressure. My use increased. The income I was generating quickly vanished as my own use increased. I lost my car (a classic Mercedes). I was evicted from my apartment. The Brooks Brothers shirts and Hermes ties vanished. Inside of six months, December of last year, I was wandering the frozen streets of Boise wondering which old customer would let me have a few days on their sofa and kick me down some mercy dope. On December 13th, my birthday, I knew I was out of answers but I didn’t even know who or how to ask for help

I’m looking forward to sitting down with Jim tomorrow and sharing my story, all the baggage I have carried with me for so long, the shit I tried to hide and the shit I tried to pretend was there instead. It’s been a really painful, long, sad and rude awakening. I don’t know how spiritual it’s been but it has been painful. It has been sad.

And still, I look at all of that and wonder why God should love me. I wonder if I’ll ever love myself. I look at the 4th step and see that all the things that hurt me most, all the things that most broke my heart and hardened me, are all things that I had done to people before they were ever done to me. That’s the rude awakening. I’m the perpetrator of my own heartbreak. And I was not able to evade the crisis. I wasn’t able to postpone the realization of the truth.

I’m believe God loves me. I truly do. I just don’t understand though. I just don’t fucking understand. So it should be good to get this 5th step done. Make a little more room for God to be in. I don’t know why he’d want to, but I understand he does amazing things with guys like me.