THINK=SAY=DO

It has never really occurred to my to explore the actual definition of ‘integrity.’ I had always thought it synonymous with ‘moral’ but since it is the principle behind the 5th step I though perhaps I’d read up on it. Seems integrity is more than moral,. A man of integrity can behave immorally, though he wouldn’t know it.

The Wikipedia defines integrity as,

“the basing of one’s actions on an internally consistent framework of principles. Depth of principles and adherence of each level to the next are key determining factors. One is said to have integrity to the extent that everything they do and believe is based on the same core set of values. While those values may change, it is their consistency with each other and with the person’s actions that determine their integrity. The concept of integrity is directly linked to responsibility in that implementation spawning from principles is designed with a specific outcome in mind. When the action fails to achieve the desired effect, a change of principles is indicated. Accountability is achieved when a faulty principle is identified and changed to produce a more useful action.”

Basically that what I think, my core set of values, and what I say, how I communicate those values, and what I do, how I act in the world, are consistent. What I think is what I say is what I do.

I don’t know any addicts in active addiction who have integrity.

Those of you who have read what I’ve written over the last 299 days, since the first entry on Methed Up, have seen what recovery has been in my life. You’ve seen me evolve from an angry, homeless, sick and unemployable burden on his friends who’s only desire greater than the desire to get high was my desire to get sober, to a man capable of finding (not keeping, perhaps, but finding) employment, a man willing to examine himself, a man with hope, and faith and courage. Now it’s time, as they say, to put my money where my mouth is.

There is a huge barrier in the way of my being of maximum usefulness to God and my fellows in the form of bench warrants (2) for felony probation violation. These warrants were issued last year. I assume, but cannot be sure, that they are for absconding. I have not made myself ‘available for supervision.’ Two summers ago I caught an attitude, and developed a resentment toward the Idaho Department of Corrections who, in my (drug clouded) estimation, were not doing their job. Since I couldn’t get what I was required to get from them by the means I was instructed to get it I decided to blow them off completely. Nine phone calls and I never got a return call from them so I decided to ignore them, to remove them from my consciousness. My addiction was accelerating and in a short period of time I managed to no longer have a phone number or a residence. I was unemployed and unemployable so I wasn’t paying any of the monthly fees that probation requires. My arrears is now in the neighborhood of $800. No employee of the Dept. of Corrections currently knows where I live. I am not scheduled to be off probation until December of 2008 and at any time from now until then a judge may send me to prison for up to 7 years or start the whole ordeal from the beginning. As long as I am on probation getting a decent job is almost impossible and I cannot leave this state which in effect will mean unceasing misery and loneliness. I’m exaggerating, of course, but only a little.

Everything that probation tried to give me in the way of classes and requirements and expectations only ever prevented me from hitting that emotional bottom, that point on December 14th under the street lamp at 6th and Pueblo when my heart broke, that point when I became willing to ask God to help me. The state of Idaho gave me everything they had to offer to help me get well and all of it only postponed the in-evadable turning point where I became willing to admit to my innermost self that I am an alcoholic and a drug addict and every part of my life is unmanageable, that without God’s help I’m fucked.

More than I want to be free of probation I want to be sober. More than I fear jail I fear going back to the life I was living before. But I’m a wanted man. I have to appear before 2 judges and convince them to not throw me in prison. If I walk my talk, if I trust infinite God rather than my finite self, if I want to stay sober more than anything, I have to go to the jail and turn myself in. I have to leave the outcome to God. And I’m fucking terrified.

So I have some things to wrap up here. I need to tell my roommate. I need to pack up my things and put them in storage. I need to talk to my dad and ask him to keep the minimum payments on my credit card while I’m away. I’ll have a couple of days to say goodbye to you guys. Then I have to walk straight into the thing that I fear nearly as much as I fear using and trust God in a way that I never have before. I have to do (trust God) what I say I do (trust God) and what I think (God IS). Not easy stuff.

I just don’t want to drink. I just don’t want to get high.

Ever again.