Day 77 - I’ve been scattered I’ve been shattered

Ive been knocked out of the race
But Ill get better”

Sting, Lithium Sunset

I’m trying to give myself a break, because I had bronchitis and all. But objectively, I feel like what’s going on is clinical depression. When I got to treatment I was full on manic. That slowed down. I bounced through a minor down turn and then was pretty level at the end. But the last week has been very hard. Not having the kind of structure and support I had there is a big adjustment. Friday I didn’t even really get out of bed. I just keep telling myself “I’m OK. I’ll be OK. I’m adjusting fine. This is normal.” But it isn’t going away. Sure it vanishes for moments. Yes there are things I can do that minimize it. Yesterday I went for a good brisk walk for over an hour. That brought some relief. I also went to a 12 step meeting. That also got me out of myself long enough to not notice how I felt for awhile. But I went to bed feeling crappy.

I got up this morning at 6am. Still feeling crappy. Went outside for a bit. Its beautiful out. Perfect bright blue springtime. Went inside and went back to bed till 8:30. I’ve been up an hour now. I’ve done some reading in my NA book. I thought about doing some yoga but can’t seem to force myself to. Actually forcing myself to write right now is difficult. I’ve started and stopped this post 3 or 4 times now. I don’t want to sound like a giant whiner. D.H. Lawrence said “I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself.” The fact is that this kind of attitude and this kind of pain has led me to relapse before. Statistically I should be fine, you know, because about half of the folks I was in treatment with have relapsed. For some of them it was only temporary. For others I think they’re really back out.

But here are the facts. Historically, people who tend to relapse are often undiagnosed or untreated dual diagnosis patients, meaning using drugs and alcohol is simply a way of self medicating an actual problem that exists outside of the primary problem of addiction. I have been previously diagnosed with type 2 bipolar disorder. I have a history of relapse. I have never relapsed while I was taking bipolar medication. I don’t currently have a doctor or psychiatrist nor can I afford one and mental health services in Idaho are pitifully inadequate.

Now, while I don’t have any lithium, I do have a couple of weeks of Lexapro that I haven’t taken because the last time I did they made me so manic I couldn’t stand to be around myself. If I start taking those until I can get seen by someone am I really doing myself a favor or am I lapsing into active addiction by seeking drugs to change how I feel? I am not qualified to answer that. I just know that it’s now 10am and I want to go back to bed. I do. More than anything I don’t want to feel like this.

Part of the reason I’m sharing this is so that I can get feedback from anyone else who has gone through similar stuff. The other reason is so that when it passes I can see that it passed. For next time.

God, just get me through today without getting loaded. Help me stay the course. I know getting loaded will only compound the problem so save me from that.