Day 9 Off Crystal Meth

If you had asked me yesterday at this time how I was doing I would have told you that, for the moment anyway, I had been relieved of that odd hook that has always followed me with this addiction; the regret that I had not gotten high one more time. It left me temporarily.

It’s back today.

Perhaps it’s just that there is so much to do before I head off to treatment or perhaps I stayed up too late last night or perhaps the number of days that I’ve gone without sleeping through the night is finally catching up with me or perhaps perhaps perhaps . . .

Today I wish I could just get high one more time; to say “goodbye” to my lover of so many years. Like many relationships it has ended badly. It’s taken virtually everything I own. What gets me is that my pride was the last thing to go. I could have saved so many of my material possessions if only that had fallen away first. I guess the material stuff helped to fool me into believing that everything was all right when really things were horrible.

The other thing thats going on is I’m getting a cold. I haven’t really hung out with a bunch of people in closer quarters nonstop for ages so I’m probably just getting used to being around all those germs but look, I wash my hands with hospital grade antimicrobial soap at least ten times a day. I avoid putting my hands near my face and yet my chest and throat feel RAW. I’m supposed to head off to the inpatient program here in two days and I just know that I’ll spend the first ten days just being sick. Crap.

Crap. Crap. Shitty-shit fuck.

And my head hurts.

And my sinuses.

And I KNOW if I could just get high I’d feel better.

goddamnit!

but that’s my life. and I know my brain is just playing that amazing trick of telling me how much fun KILLING MYSELF would be.

If you’re trying to get off crystal here’s my advise: DON’T LISTEN TO WHAT YOUR HEAD TELLS YOU. It’s like that song from Grease but inside out. My heart is saying “fool! forget it!” My head is saying “don’t let it go!”