The sound you hear is my heart breaking

We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul- We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things. –Joseph Smith

That’s how I grew up. I behaved that way and for the most part, still do. I take people at face value. When I care about someone I care all the way, not half assed and when I learn that their ethos is different than mine I suffer. I somehow cannot accept people easily if their way of being is very different from mine. In the neighborhood I grew up in only one (non-LDS) family was even divorced. It really was the end of the world to me when my own parents divorced. How would we know what to do? Why did our friends and our church turn their backs on us. We were 14 and under and NOBODY was looking out for us. Perhaps I took on an unhealthy part of the burden being that I was the oldest but you have to expect that, right?

Well right? Well the night before last D. shows up and wants us to get past this and wants us to be friends. And you know I am incapable of telling the guy ‘no.’ Plus he seemed to have money and took me out for lunch and the next day, yesterday, was my birthday. I thought how wonderful to be able to just be with this boy who, you know, at least on a biological level, I just want to completely posess. What a wonderful gift. So we hung out. We checked in to a hotel, We . . . .well he started doing something that seemed very complicated so I decided to cut my hair while I was waiting. (A crew cut is the only way to conquer winter hat hair!). I took a nap with my face burried against his shoulder and he made me a jerk-off movie on his Motorola Razer phone. Yes, I have thought of posting it here.

We both had stuff to do this afternoon and he said he’d be an hour, an hour and a half tops. He promised. Now I know him so I’m thinking three hours. And three hours seems fine. At five hours I start getting anxious. At nine hours I start coming unglued. Now it’s been twelve hours and I just cannot take it anymore. Anyone who can behave that way and be so completely OK with is CANNOT be my friend. This kind of stress kills me. It’s not like I haven’t had enough stress lately. Even if my only other sources of stress in the last year were my three moves I’d be a basket case, but three moves is the least of what I’ve gone through. And you know what? I am a raw nerve. I am reacfting too strongly to things that really shouldn’t bother me. I am also aware that not one single person I know has said “Hey, you’ve been going through alot lately. Are you OK:? Would you like to sit down and talk for awhile?

One friend tried to point out how selfish I am because I frequently will use the phrases “I would like” and ” I want.” I thought being assertive was OK. I never said “I deserve” or “Give me your . . ” There we go. I’m a stressed out assertive person. Types like D. who say one thing and do something else (I like to call that lying.) and B. who, well let’s just call a spade a spade/ Brandt now is not the Brandt I became friends with so many years ago. With D. I only asked for 2 things. I also wanted him to do want he says he’s going to do. So for my birthday, I waited for him for 12 hours, ate a frozen pizza (alone) and tried to figure out why I’m different than every one I know in this town and where do I have to go to meet a decent guy?

I have endured MANY things. One more indignity won’t break the bank. I hope I can endure all of them that life gives me, but you know what? I’d love to be loved after all. I just want somebody, somewhere, to care. Someone to share leftover frozen birthday pizza with.