The kind of alcoholic that is described in the book Alcoholics Anonymous seems to be a pretty rare thing. I don’t hear many people in meetings describe their use as black-out drinking from the first sip they ever took. Oh, they exist, to be sure, but they are relatively rare. With drug addiction it seems to be even more rare. The trouble with drugs, at least for me, is that they work. They do what they are designed to do, and some complicated set of motives and beliefs, both conscious and hidden, seem to lay at the heart of every decision to pick up again. Read the rest of this entry »
It’s not a special date, like the one before (Martin Luther King Day) but it’s as good as any and better than some. That’s 15 days for those of you who are counting. I am through the painful week of detoxing; through the feeling sorry for myself. I am forward facing and forward thinking. My view of my recovery hasn’t changed; I identify as a person in long-term recovery, just one that experienced a little hiccup along the way and has had to reset my sobriety date.
That almost sounds funny to me. How can it be that someone used for three months and still thinks of himself as a person “in long-term recovery.” Well, I just don’t feel like all I’d learned from recovery evaporated in that three-month detour. Sure, it was unfortunate — and dangerous and expensive, but it was also highly instructional. There are things i learned that I may never have been able to learn any other way. And it was useful.
I’m going to take what was worthwhile out of the experience, I’m going to take what I’ve learned through it, and I’m going to make the most of it. What is it the book says? Something about not regretting the past or wishing to shut the door on it, but instead seeing how we can put it to use to help other people?
I suspect I’ll be writing more for a while than I have in the last year or two.
There. I typed it out loud. I am heartbroken and I am ashamed. I owe my dealer $735 payable within 5 days and I have no idea how I’m going to do that. The semester starts in 2 days and I’m in the throes of detoxing. And the whole 2 month bender might not have lasted so long if only I hadn’t bumped into the Imaginary Future Ex-Husband. He doesn’t even live here, for Christ’s sake. He lives in Baltimore. How was it that I had to run into him, selling me drugs. And the next two months were spent with him charming and conning me and depriving me of the use of $1750 – along with the theft, though he swears he never took anything, of a stereo, a Blu-Ray player, tools, a camera . . .
I am an idiot.
I don’t miss AA, not at all, but I miss my friends. I miss my life, imperfect as it was. I miss feeling ok. I know now that there is a limit to the stress that I can handle, and I know now that I am not willing to continue living the celibate life I had before. At some point I’m going to have to get tested though. I had a lot of unsafe sex over the last 8 weeks. I behaved very badly. Right now I’m just too afraid.
Not clinical separation anxiety, obviously, but anxiety just the same, and one facet of it seems to be separation from external control. I’ve been on supervised probation for something like 19 years, and it is just about to be over. I’ve been completely sober for nearly 6 of those years and the training wheels are about to come off, and I hear… I hear that people in my circumstance frequently feel anxiety; frequently have thoughts of drinking. Drinking wasn’t my thing, after all. It seems like I should be able to do it. That’s the “great obsession of every alcoholic,” right? That “somehow, some day, he will control and enjoy his drinking.” Read the rest of this entry »
Co-creating this event was the coolest thing that has ever happened in my life. I’m so happy with how it turned out and with what we accomplished. There are lots of news articles about it from around the world, and there is always current info on our webpage, millionpuppetmarch.com.
“It was like the Y2K of sobriety! We blinked, nothing dramatic happened, and then it was gone!” - Seth R.
I missed it. I’m such a fan of counting days and even more of a fan of big, round numbers, and I missed it. I’ve been sober for more that 2000 days! That’s huge! And the fact that day in and day out I stay sober, one day at a time, was just more important than watching for the day to pass. I celebrate my recovery every day, not just the big, round ones.
Even so. I have been free of crystal methamphetamine, alcohol, pot, ecstasy, LSD, mushrooms, cocaine, and whatever else I used to pollute myself with, for more than 2000 days now, and I am grateful and happy.
If you’ve read my story you already know that I grew up Mormon. My parents were Mormons. My dad’s parents were Mormons. Their parents before them were Mormons. As a matter of fact, my family are Mormons since 1836. The community I grew up in was, per capita, more Mormon than Salt Lake City. Oh, there were a couple of Catholic churches in town, and a Baptist church. I even knew a couple of kids in my school that attended them. But they were part of a different and scary world. The way I was raised seemed like the most normal, natural thing in the world. Read the rest of this entry »